Mistletoe Immunity
by ThreadbareSP
Summary: In this musical Christmas adventure, Charlie starts a wide-reaching social movement to make Christmas accessible to Jews, Cartman grants a little girl's impossible Christmas wish, Stan makes a stand against mistletoe, and Kenny wants a Blue Ryder Carbine-Action Four-Hundred-Shot Range Model Air Rifle. TSP Episode 7.
1. I Declare Mistletoe Immunity

**Threadbare South Park**  
**Episode #7: "Mistletoe Immunity: A Musical Christmas Adventure"**  
(TSP Season 1 Episode 7)

* * *

ALL CHARACTERS AND EVENTS IN THIS EPISODE-EVEN THOSE BASED ON REAL PEOPLE-ARE ENTIRELY FICTIONAL. ALL CANON CHARACTERS' LINES ARE WRITTEN BY THREADBARESP...POORLY. THE FOLLOWING SCRIPT CONTAINS COARSE LANGUAGE AND DUE TO ITS CONTENT SHOULD NOT BE READ BY ANYONE.

* * *

_The kids are in the third grade classroom, staring at the clock as Mr. Garrison speaks._

Mr. Garrison: So that's how Napoleon celebrated Christmas in 1962. Are there any questions?

Cartman: Come on, come on could this clock move any slower?

Mr. Garrison: Excuse me, Eric, do you have something you need to tell the class?

Cartman: Goddamn it, isn't this day over already?

Stan: Yeah. It's been three minutes to three for, like, an hour.

Mr. Garrison: Now, children, I know you're all excited for Christmas Break, but-

Wendy: Mr. Garrison? Shouldn't we call it "winter break" to be more sensitive to the non-Christian students in class?

Cartman: Oh, come_ on_.

Mr. Garrison: What? Oh, you mean Kyle? Fine. Kyle, are you going to bitch at us for saying "Christmas break?"

Kyle: Uh, no?

Mr. Garrison: Good. So Wendy, it'd be nice if you could just keep your mouth shut and go with the flow, sweetheart.

Stan: One more minute...

* * *

_The bell rings at South Park Elementary, and students flood out of the school. Stan, Kyle, Cartman, Kenny, and Charlie run down the street. Festive lights decorate the trees, and snow is falling down. Music starts up and the group starts to sing._

_[To the tune of "Jingle Bells," starting with "Dashing through the snow"]_

Stan: I just got out of school for the next two weeks!

Cartman: No more Pip or Craig! No more Clyde or Tweek!

Kyle: The snow is falling down. It's covering the ground.

Cartman: Well, what a fucking miracle to see that in this town.

All: Oh, Christmas break! Christmas break!

Cartman: It's so freaking cool!

Kenny: (I just want an easy broad to stick my boner into!)

All: Christmas break! Christmas break! Best time of the year!

Cartman: And if you call it "winter break" you're probably a queer!

Stan: Third grade really sucks. We read and write and learn.

Charlie: We have to stand in line and always wait our turn.

Kyle: But every single year, we get a little break.

Kenny: (Ma'am, I like your boobies; I don't care if they are fake!)

All: Oh, Christmas break! Christmas break!

Cartman: Hanukkah is lame! / Driedels are for pussy Jews and every night's the saa-ame!

All: Christmas break! Christmas break!

Kyle: Cartman's fucking fat! / His mom's a stupid crack whore slut and I could kick his ass!

_Now they speak, with music still playing in the background._

Cartman: No you couldn't, Kyle.

Kyle: Sure I could. You're so goddamn fat that the only way you could possibly hurt me is by sitting on me.

_The music becomes discordant and fades away._

Cartman: I'm not fat! I'm big boned! And Hanukkah sucks ass!

Kyle: Hanukkah does not suck, and the only thing bigger than your ass is your ego, you prick!

Stan (to Kenny and Charlie): How come every time we try to sing a pleasant song these two have to go and ruin it?

Charlie: I don't know.

Cartman to Kyle: I wouldn't expect any better from a dirty Jew! Go play with a dreidel, hook-nose.

Kyle: I'm going to fucking maim you, Cartman!

Stan (to Kyle and Cartman): Hey guys! Shut up!

Kyle: But Fat-Ass is-

Stan: We don't care! Shut up!

Charlie: It's Christmas season, you guys! Don't you feel, you know, "merry" and stuff?

Cartman: Kyle doesn't feel merry. He's Jewish.

Charlie: Oh, come on, Cartman. Jews have just as much Christmas spirit as anybody else.

_The boys look at each other._

Stan: No they don't.

Charlie: They don't?

Stan: Jews don't celebrate Christmas, turd-brain.

_Charlie looks baffled. She doesn't say anything for several seconds as she ponders this concept._

Charlie to Kyle: Wait. So you don't celebrate Christmas?

Kyle: No. I have Hanukkah instead.

Charlie: Well, yeah, I knew_ that_, but I thought you _also_ had Christmas.

Cartman: [Putting a hand to his forehead] Oh my _God_. You are such a stupid bitch.

Stan: Only Christians celebrate Christmas.

Charlie: Really?

Stan: Yes.

_Charlie stares at Kyle. She still seems somewhat baffled._

Charlie: Dude... That sucks! Christmas is awesome!

Kyle: I know. Thanks for reminding me.

_Charlie walks a few steps away from the group, still mind-boggled. She stares ahead, wrestling with this concept._

Charlie: That's so sad. There are actually people out there who don't get to have Christmas. [She turns to Kyle.] And it's just because you're Jewish?

Kyle: Well, yeah. Jews don't believe in Christmas.

Charlie: That's... That's just so _sad_.

Cartman: Yep. Well, I'd like to stand around and pity Kyle for being Jewish, but I've got a date with Santa Claus at the mall, and damn it if the line is more than ten kids long when I get there.

Stan: Yeah, come on, Charlie. We have to go home so my dad can take us too. Bye, guys.

_Stan and Charlie walk away towards the Marsh house._

Charlie: ...Kyle at least gets Santa, right?

Stan: No. What about this do you not understand? Jewish people don't have Christmas. They don't do any Christmas things. They don't have Christmas trees, or Christmas lights, or Christmas Eve, or stockings, or Christmas specials on TV, or Santa, or luminaries, or nativities, or mass.

Charlie: I never really knew a Jewish person before. I always sort of thought everybody had Christmas.

_They reach the Marsh house. Stan opens the door. He and Charlie stand at the doorway and are surprised to see Sharon standing in front of them with a video camera. She films them as they stare at her with blank expressions._

Sharon: Happy Christmas break, kids!

Stan: What are you doing?

Sharon: Guess who's under the mistletoe?

_She pans up to show a mistletoe above Stan and Charlie in the doorway. The two kids look up. They appear disgusted._

Charlie: Ew!

Stan: What the hell, Mom?

Sharon: Stanley, give Charlie a kiss!

Stan: No.

Sharon: Oh, come on! It'll be cute! Just one little kiss.

Stan: No.

Charlie: That's gross. Mistletoes suck.

Stan: Yeah. I shouldn't have to kiss someone just because I stand under a stupid plant.

Sharon: Just one little kiss on the cheek for Mommy.

_They glare at her and walk on without kissing. When they get a good distance away, they turn to each other, clearly peeved._

Stan: I swear to God, I am fed up with all this mistletoe crap.

Charlie: Me too. It doesn't make any sense. I'm not going to do it anymore.

Stan: Me neither. Every year, it's the same thing. That stupid mistletoe goes up on the door and my mom makes me kiss everyone who goes under it. Well, not anymore! [He raises a defiant arm in the air.] I declare mistletoe immunity!

[Music starts up. This is an original tune with a marching beat.]

Stan (singing): Every single Christmas, or at least since I was four / My parents hung a mistletoe on the inside of our door.

Charlie (singing): Now I'm not one for judging, but that sounds a little gay.

Stan (singing): But this year will be different because now I'm going to say / I declare mistletoe immunity! / And I'm sorry if it sounds a little crass / But I'm tired of all this shit / So it's time to call it quits / 'Cause I'm sick of kissing mistletoe's ass!

Charlie (singing): I declare mistletoe immunity! / I'm not taking any orders from a plant! / Mistletoes really suck / I don't really give a fuck / If you really want to kiss me, kiss my ass!

Stan: Yeah!

_Music stops. Stan walks into the entryway and glares up at the mistletoe. He flips it off._

Stan: Fuck you, Mistletoe!

Sharon (walking into the room and looking shocked): Stanley! Language!

Stan (glaring at the floor): Yeah, whatever. Come on, Charlie. Let's go see Santa.

_Stan storms out the front door. Charlie follows him a bit nervously. When they've left and closed the door, Sharon smiles and rearranges the mistletoe._

* * *

_Cartman, Kenny, Stan, and Charlie are lined up to talk to Santa Claus at his booth downtown._

Stan: What are you guys gonna ask for?

Cartman: I want an Action Ray Gun, and a MegaMan, and a new X-Box, and a drum set-

Kenny: (I want a Red Ryder rifle.)

Cartman: No way, Kenny, my mom says you could shoot your eye out with something like that. Besides, you're poor. Santa doesn't like poor kids.

Kenny: (Shut your fucking asshole, cock-munch!)

Stan: Hey, it's your turn, Cartman.

Cartman: Hooray!

_Cartman leaps onto Santa's lap. Santa lets out a moan of pain, then regains his composure._

Santa: Ho ho ho! And what would you like for Christmas, little boy?

Cartman: I want an Action Ray Gun, and a MegaMan, and a new X-Box...

_Meanwhile, Charlie glances over and sees Kyle with Ike (the latter bundled in a hat and scarf) holding hands as they head to the pond to ice skate. Although the boys look perfectly content, Charlie frowns and looks down sadly. Stan glances back at her and notices her expression._

Stan: What's wrong?

Charlie: I dunno…I just think it's real sad that Kyle and Ike don't get Christmas like the rest of us, just 'cause they're Jewish.

Stan: They do get a little bit of Christmas…

Charlie: Really? How?

Stan: Well, Kyle's pretty good friends with Mr. Hankey the Christmas Poo.

Charlie: Mr. Hankey the _what?_

Stan: The Christmas Poo. He comes and visits Kyle out of his toilet every Christmas.

_Charlie stares at Stan with a confused and mildly disgusted expression for several seconds without speaking._

Charlie: ….What the fuck?

Cartman: …and a life-sized cutout of Mel Gibson. You got all that?

Santa: Ho ho, uh, sure, little boy. Have a Merry Christmas, ho ho ho!

_Cartman hops off of Santa's lap. Kenny takes his place._

Kenny: (I want a Blue Ryder Carbine-Action Four-Hundred-Shot Range Model Air Rifle!)

Santa: I don't think so, little boy, ho ho ho! You'll shoot your eye out, kid!

Kenny: (Goddamn it.)

_Kenny hops off of Santa's lap. Santa waves goodbye to him._

Santa: Merry Christmas, little boy! Ho ho ho!

_Stan hops up onto Santa's lap next._

Santa: Hello, little boy! And what would you like for Christmas?

Stan: I dunno. A football or something. But Santa?

Santa: Yes, little boy?

Stan: How come people are supposed to kiss each other just because they stand underneath a stupid little plant?

Santa: You mean mistletoe?

Stan: Yeah.

Santa: Well, little boy, it's a Christmas tradition! It's a way to spread warmth and love and Christmas cheer during this magical time—

_Stan hops off Santa's lap, looking annoyed._

Stan (walking away): That's gay.

Santa: Merry Christmas, little boy! Ho ho ho!

_Charlie nervously approaches Santa Claus next. Santa pats his lap, and she hops up._

Santa: And what's your name, little boy?

Charlie: Charlie.

Santa: That's wonderful! And what do you want for Christmas this year, Charlie?

Charlie: I want everybody to get to celebrate Christmas. Even Jewish people like my friend Kyle.

Santa (looking a tad concerned): Well, little boy, that's…very nice of you… But…

Charlie (exasperated): But _what_?

Santa: Well, Jewish people just don't celebrate Christmas. They have other holidays, and they celebrate their _own_ traditions in their _own_ way!

Charlie: Yeah, but those all suck compared to Christmas.

Santa: …What else do you want for Christmas, little boy?

Charlie: Never mind… [She hops off his lap.] Thanks anyway, Santa.

_She walks away glumly. Santa sighs and wipes his brow._

Santa: Jesus, kids are hard to please.


	2. My Special Little Christmas Wish

_Cartman comes walking home in the falling snow, half-humming half-jiving to the tune of Winter Wonderland. When he approaches his house, Liane stands on the front stoop with Becca, who is bundled up in a coat, hat, scarf, and mittens, mostly blocked from view by the sled she's holding up. Cartman is unaware of their presence and continues strolling along happily until he turns in toward the house. He stops mid-jive and stares at the two of them. Then his face falls into one of annoyance as he anticipates what is to come._

Cartman: No.

Liane: Eric, little Becca here says she'd like to go sledding! Would you be Mommy's good little boy and take her to the sledding hill?

Cartman: But Moooooooom! I want hot chocolate!

Liane: You can both have some nice steaming hot cocoa when you get back!

Cartman: But Mooooooooom!

Liane: Eric, I'm asking you to help Mommy and take Becca sledding.

Cartman: But MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM…!

Liane (losing her patience): Eric, now!

Cartman: Alright, alright, Jesus Christ, woman, keep your tits on.

Liane: That's Mommy's good little munchkin. Have fun, you two!

_She steps inside and closes the door._

Cartman: Fuckin' bitch.

Becca: Let's go! Let's go!

Cartman: Fine. But we'd better get there quick.

* * *

_Cartman is sitting in the sled as Becca drags it down the street, panting and leaning forward as she tries to tug the massive weight behind her._

Cartman: Becca, come on! I said quick!

Becca: I'm going [pants] as fast [pants] as I can, Eric!

Cartman: How do you think the donkey felt lugging a pregnant Mary across the desert for a week? Yah! Yah!

_Cartman grabs a twig that they pass by and uses it to "whip" Becca into gear._

* * *

_After an arduous journey, Becca pulls Cartman to the top of the sledding hill._

Becca (panting heavily): There… Can I get on now?

Cartman: Mmm… No.

Becca: Eric! No! That's no fair!

Cartman: Not fair? [He gets off the sled and approaches Becca with a hostile glare and an angry tone.] I'll tell you what's not fair! Spending every previous Christmas as an only child and the only gift recipient in my house, only to have some kid show up and almost certainly receive half of my presents! [Becca gives him a frightened and guilty look. He backs off a bit, looking resentful.] Life isn't fair, kid, so get used to it.

Becca: B-but I don' wanna take your presents, Eric! I don' even want any toys this year!

Cartman (baffled): What? What kind of messed-up kid doesn't want a fucking toy?

Becca: I thinked real hard about it, an' I decided… I only want one little Christmas wish this year.

_Cartman stares at her with an expression of condescending bewilderment. Light, twinkling music starts up and Becca looks off into the distance, smiling, as she begins to sing. Throughout the song, Cartman appears to be feeling different combinations and varieties of confusion, annoyance, impatience, and anxiety._

Becca (singing): Every year on Christmas Eve, Santa brings us toys  
Barbie dolls for all the girls and Hot Wheels for the boys  
But this year I've been thinking what it is I really need  
A jumbo jet for Barbie or a place to store my weed

Cartman (speaking, not interrupting the song's flow): Wait, what?

Becca (singing, ignoring Cartman): But this year I decided that there's just one thing for me…  
A special little Christmas wish  
A happy little Christmas wish

Cartman (interjecting, ignored by Becca): Alright!

Becca (singing): My special little Christmas wish—

Cartman: That's enough!

Becca (singing): …Is to see my little brother Davy…

_Becca beams at Cartman as the music ceases with an upbeat ringing of bells. Cartman stares at her, baffled, but relieved she stopped singing._

Cartman: What the fuck was that? Is that what they're teaching you in preschool?

Becca: No. I wanna see my baby brother.

Cartman: The one with the foster parents? In Denver?

Becca: Yeah. See, nobody told me when they took him away, an' I miss him a lot.

Cartman: Yeah?

Becca (sadly): Yeah.

_Cartman hesitates briefly, almost as if experiencing feelings of pity or sympathy._

Cartman: ….C'mon, you little asshole, let's go sledding.


	3. Bringing Christmas to the Jews

_Cartman and Becca have returned to the Cartman home after sledding. As Becca sits on the couch with hot cocoa and watches a Christmas special on TV, Cartman approaches his mother in the kitchen. Liane is cooking something in a large pot on the stove._

Cartman (in a sugary-sweet voice): Moooom?

Liane: Yes, boopsykins?

Cartman: What are you getting Becca for Christmas?

Liane: Oh, Eric! I can't tell you that! You might spoil the surprise for her!

Cartman: Are you gonna take her to see her baby brother?

Liane: Oh…no, Eric, I wasn't planning on anything like that.

Cartman: Well…Becca says that's the kind of present she really really wants, and since that's her only Christmas wish this year, I was hoping we could maybe work out some sort of arrangement, so that she gets to see the baby at his foster parents' house, and, uh, any money you were planning on spending on Christmas presents for her could just be, ahem, reallocated towards Christmas presents for me.

Liane: Oh, I'm sorry, snookums, but we can't do anything like that.

Cartman: Wha—Why not?

Liane: Well, you see, Eric, Becca's little brother has been…well…adopted.

Cartman (looking rather shocked): …What? Adopted?

Liane: Yes… [She sighs.] I hadn't said anything because the Marshes and I agreed it would be best not to tell his sisters yet. They've gone through a lot of trauma already.

Cartman: Well, I guess this means it's time to tell them and take Becca to see the kid at his adoptive parents' house then! It's a harsh world; the kid's gotta toughen up.

Liane: Eric, listen to me, sweetheart: Davy's new parents would really rather that his sisters not see him.

Cartman: Why the fuck not?

Liane: Eric, it's their decision! I know you're worried about little Becca's feelings, boopsykins, but I'm afraid that this is just not going to happen.

Cartman: …But _Maaaaeeeehhmmmm_!

_Liane chooses to ignore him. Cartman stomps away, mumbling angrily to himself._

* * *

_At the Marsh house, Sharon is in the kitchen stirring a pot on the stove. Charlie walks into the kitchen behind her. She's determined to figure this whole Jews-not-getting-Christmas thing out._

Charlie: Mrs. Marsh?

Sharon (stirring): Yes, dear?

Charlie: Why doesn't Kyle have Christmas?

Sharon: Well, because he's Jewish, Charlie. Jewish people don't celebrate Christmas.

Charlie: I already _know_ that! But it's not fair! Everybody should get to have Christmas.

Sharon: Kyle gets to have Hanukkah instead.

Charlie: But Hanukkah totally sucks. Christmas is way more fun. Why can't Jewish people have fun like us?

Sharon (in a tone indicating that this is her final answer): That's just the way it works, sweetie.

Charlie: Oh. Okay.

_Charlie sighs and walks out of the room, looking down with her hands in her pockets. She goes up to the window at the front of the Marsh house. She puts her elbows on the sill and rests her head on her hands. Outside, there are kids playing in the snow, Christmas lights blinking, and wreaths adorning the streetlights. Charlie sighs as an acoustic guitar begins to play._

Charlie (singing): Out my window, I can see it's Christmastime again  
But it's hard to feel merry when my friend cannot join in  
Santa passes his house even though he visits mine  
Just because he's Jewish, why can't he have Christmastime?

_Charlie goes outside with her hands in her pockets. As she walks down the street, she passes Pip and the other carolers, and keeps walking. The music becomes more lighthearted, with a light drum beat and piano._

Charlie (singing): Christmas is the best time of the whole entire year  
[She passes lawn reindeer lawn ornaments] Getting awesome presents brought by Santa and his reindeer  
[She stops outside the Broflovski house, where a menorah glows in the window with one candle lit.] I know that he's got Hanukkah, but it's a little lame...  
So wouldn't it be nice of us to share our holiday?

_She runs into the street with a large grin and sings loudly to everyone she passes._

Charlie (singing): I'm bringing Christmas to the Jews  
Everybody spread the news!  
It won't matter if you're Christian  
On my Christmas-spirit mission  
It's the best time of the year  
So let's spread some Christmas cheer  
Let's get ready 'cause there's no time to lose...!  
I'm bringing Christmas to the Jews!

_Charlie stands in the kitchen with a random woman, who pulls a ham out of the oven. Charlie shakes her head and dumps it in the garbage. The woman looks disappointed. Charlie now appears in a green pasture with cows._

Charlie (singing): Time to throw that ham out, [a rancher with a rifle walks up and aims at a cow] and before you kill the cow  
Make sure you're with a rabbi. [The rabbi from the synagogue walks up.] Great! The beef is kosher now!  
[Charlie again goes through the streets of South Park.] Sing it in the streets and make sure everybody hears it  
[She stands at the pulpit at the synagogue.] Sing it in the synagogue! Let's spread some Christmas spirit!

_She runs down the aisle of the synagogue. The worshipers stare at her as she prances down the aisle, baffled. Outside, she appears to have gained a small following of townspeople._

Charlie (singing): I'm bringing Christmas to the Jews  
Everybody spread the news  
Bring a new list to the grocer  
'Cause we're making Christmas kosher  
[Charlie and her group toss presents to a group of confused Jewish children standing outside the synagogue.] Spread a little Christmas joy  
To the Jewish girls and boys  
Let's get ready 'cause there's no time to lose...!

_The Jews in the synagogue appear to concede to the song. Now, a large group follows Charlie as she marches down the street._

Charlie (singing): I'm bringing Christmas to the Jews  
Everybody spread the news  
This is my Jewish Christmas song  
Everybody sing along!

All (singing, sounding vaguely like a gospel choir): We're bringing Christmas to the Jews  
Everybody spread the news  
[A woman fries latkes in a pan.] Get those latkes in the fryer  
[A group of people adorn City Hall with lights.] Hang the lights a little higher  
[A mall Santa is approached.] Santa, hurry, pack the sleigh!  
You've got some extra stops to make  
It won't matter if you're gentile or Hebrew...  
We're bringing Christmas to the Jews!

_The music slows down and becomes quieter. As the crowd marches on, Charlie stops once again in front of the Broflovski house, wearing a baseball cap with the Star of David and holding a thick packet of fliers entitled "KOSHER CHRISTMAS"._

Charlie (singing softly): I'm bringing Christmas to the Jews.

_The music and the song end with Charlie smiling to herself. Cartman walks up, looking pissed and bewildered, head tilted in disbelief._

Cartman: You…You really want to ruin Christmas? You fucking….asshole.

_He spits in her face and walks away. Charlie stares after him with a slightly surprised expression. Once he's gone, she looks up at the heavens. While some time has progressed since the beginning of the song—the Broflovski's menorah now has three candles lit—it is once again the evening. Charlie sighs while looking upward._

Charlie: Jehovah, I too now stand in the ranks of your martyrs.

_She walks up to the Broflovski door and rings the bell. Inside, Sheila glances out the window and sees her._

Sheila: Kyle! That strange little girl you play with is at the door!

_Sheila disappears into the kitchen as Kyle emerges from upstairs, peeking out the window to verify the identity of the "strange little girl." He then opens the door. Charlie grins at him, standing upright and confident, conducting herself almost as a salesperson._

Charlie: _Shalom!*_

_Kyle, hand still on the handle of his door, stares at her in bewilderment for several seconds. Charlie continues grinning._

Kyle: Uh… hi.

Charlie: Are you aware that there are over thirteen million Jews worldwide, and that almost all of them report a non-receipt of Christmas presents from Santa, regardless of their behavior?

_Kyle again pauses for a moment, even more baffled._

Kyle: …Yes.

Charlie: In addition, a recent survey shows that over eighty percent of Jewish American children feel isolated from their peers during the Christmas season.

Kyle: …Yeah, I'd believe that.

_As Charlie continues speaking, we now get a view of Gerald, who is reading a newspaper on the couch in the Broflovski home. Charlie's voice can be heard._

Charlie (out of view): Well, to combat this rampant anti-Semitism [Gerald looks up] that's disparaging the basic human rights of Jews across the country and around the world [Gerald drops his newspaper and walks to the doorway, standing behind Kyle] I've founded the Kosher—

Gerald: What's this about anti-Semitism?

_He steps forward as Charlie hands him a flyer. Kyle stares at his dad blankly._

Charlie: Mr. Broflovski, on behalf of the Kosher Christmas Organization and gentile peoples everywhere, I would like to personally apologize to you and your family for the years of yuletide gaiety you've missed out on.

_Gerald glances over the flyer for a moment before looking at Charlie._

Gerald: Charlie, Jews don't celebrate Christmas.

Charlie (rhetorically): But why not?

_Gerald cocks his head slightly as if this statement was rather thought provoking. Behind him, Kyle sees his expression and sighs._

Charlie: For two thousand years, Jewish people have been stigmatized, ostracized, stereotyped, and left out of the greatest annual celebration in the history of mankind. It's wrong, Mr. Broflovski, and my organization, Kosher Christmas, aims to change all that by synthesizing traditional Christmas rituals and celebrations with the Hebrew faith. Can you see it, Mr. Broflovski? [Gerald stares at her, mouth slightly open, with an expression of deep thought and emotion.] Just picture it… A Christmas tree, topped with a Star of David.

Gerald: …That…sounds…beautiful.

Charlie: It sure does, Mr. Broflovski. It sure does.

_Kyle, still standing behind Gerald, groans and slaps his forehead._


	4. Air Rifle

_The doorbell rings at the Marsh house. Charlie, still dressed in her Kosher Christmas gear, walks over to answer it._

Charlie: I'll get it!

_She opens the door and sees Kenny on the step._

Charlie: Oh, hey Ken—

_Like a hawk, Sharon has swooped on the kids with her video camera._

Sharon: Guess who's under the mistletoe?

Charlie (under her breath): Goddamn it…

_Kenny looks up at the ornamental plant then looks dubiously at Charlie._

Sharon: Charlie, it looks like you've got to give Kenny a little kiss!

Kenny: (No fuckin' way, dude.)

_Charlie: I'm not doing it, Mrs. Marsh._

Sharon: Come on, just one!

Charlie: I thought Stan and I told you! We declared mistletoe immunity!

Kenny: (You declared what?)

Sharon: You kids are no fun at all.

_She sighs and walks away. Charlie and Kenny look at each other._

Charlie: …So, what's up, Kenny?

Kenny: (I'm here to see Stan.)

Charlie: Oh, okay. [Calling over her shoulder] STAN!

_She steps aside and Kenny walks into the house. Charlie doesn't shut the door, and instead grabs a stack of fliers and a large poster and starts to head out._

Kenny (pointing at the materials): (What's that?)

Charlie: Oh, these are some Kosher Christmas Organization materials. We're having a meeting at the community center at four. You should come.

_She hands him a flier._

Kenny: (…Kosher Christmas?)

Charlie: Yeah, I'd explain but I'm super busy right now. [Stan walks down the stairs and over to them.] Bye Kenny. Bye Stan.

_She steps outside and uses her foot to pull the door shut, since her hands are full. The boys stare after her for a moment._

Kenny: (What a weird chick.)

Stan: Yeah, pretty much. So anyway, what's up, dude?

Kenny: [Sighs] (I really, really want a Blue Ryder air rifle for Christmas, but Mom and Dad say I can't have one, 'cause I'll shoot my eye out!)

Stan: Yeah, and what am I supposed to do about that?

Kenny: (Well… we get some presents every year from the annual toy drive, and I was wondering if maybe somebody might be able to slip an air rifle in there…)

Stan: I dunno, dude… How much do those things cost?

Kenny: (Only around…you know…fifty bucks…)

Stan: Jesus Christ, Kenny! How rich do you think we are?!

Kenny: (Come on Stan! Whose dick am I gonna have to suck to get myself a goddamn motherfucking air rifle?!)

Stan: Jesus, Kenny, calm your tits, dude! Fine! I'll see if my parents'll buy it for you! Just chill out, okay?

_Stan and Kenny walk to the kitchen, where Sharon is going through a catalogue and Randy is reading and drinking a beer._

Stan: Mom? Dad? Could we maybe get Kenny a Christmas present?

_Randy and Sharon make eye contact._

Randy: Well, I don't see why not…

Sharon: Um, but isn't Kenny right here with you, Stanley? Wouldn't you rather talk about this later, so the present is a surprise?

Stan: Nah, Kenny only wants one thing anyway. It's a, uh… What is it, Kenny, exactly?

Kenny: (It's a Blue Ryder Carbine-Action Four-Hundred-Shot Range Model Air Rifle!)

Randy and Sharon: Oh…

Sharon: That sounds a little dangerous, Kenny. I don't think Mr. Marsh and I should buy that for you.

Randy: Yeah, you'll shoot your eye out, kid.

Kenny (clearly annoyed): (Goddamn it!)

_Kenny walks angrily from the room, followed by a somewhat bewildered Stan._

Stan: Kenny, dude, why do you even want this thing so much?

Kenny: (Why the fuck do you think, Stan? I want to fuckin' shoot stuff!)

Stan: Kenny…

Kenny: [Sighs.] (Don't worry about it, Stan. I just want to be alone now.)

_Stan stares after Kenny in bewilderment as he goes to the door and steps outside, his head hanging. We now follow Kenny as he walks glumly down the street. The setting grows dimmer and more desolate as soft music begins to play. Kenny, his voice still muffled, begins to sing._

[_To the tune of "White Christmas"_]

Kenny: (I'm dreaming of an air rifle  
Just like I saw on my TV…  
With a long barrel  
I have an Aunt Cheryl  
And you can't tell what I'm say-ing…)

_A spotlight shines over Kenny and he gestures dramatically with his arms._

Kenny: (I'm dreaming of an air rifle  
I'm also dreaming of big tits  
My dick's so big it ha-ardly fits!  
Your vagina's one skinny little bitch…)

[_Key change_]

Kenny: (I'm dreaming of an air rifle  
I wish that I was seventeen!  
When I get older  
I'll get bolder  
And start sleeping with chicks!)

Kenny: (I'm dreaming of Mila Kunis  
With every wink I sleep at night!  
May your boobs be perky and bright!)

_The light instantaneously returns to normal. Kenny is standing in the middle of the street with his arms outstretched. Numerous children and adults are staring at him with expressions of confusion. Kenny lets out a nervous laugh, then finishes, the music joining him._

Kenny: (…And may all your Christmases be white…)

_Kenny bows, then hurries away. One man claps awkwardly, but isn't joined, so he stops._


End file.
